.plan

Terry Pratchett: Choosing To Die (2011) - Full

2011-07-01T09:38:00.000+05:30

Coldplay - Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall

2011-06-30T03:01:00.000+05:30

wallpapers?

2011-06-25T12:57:00.002+05:30

look no more http://wallbase.cc/toplist

Krokodil

2011-06-24T08:22:00.000+05:30

Some homemade substitute of heroin called krokodil is popular these days it seems. The video shows the effect of that. Beware, this is one of the nastiest videos I've seen.

Dragons

2011-06-20T11:22:00.000+05:30

That was the best

UNDERCITY New York City urban exploration w STEVE DUNCAN, dir. Andrew Wo...

2011-06-13T19:53:00.000+05:30

Fit For a Goddess workshop wl Jenyne Butterfly

2011-06-09T18:43:00.000+05:30

Game of Thrones

2011-06-08T02:21:00.000+05:30

Thinking of reading the book as well.

What song are you listening to

2011-06-06T23:52:00.000+05:30

New York and London

Armin Van Buuren - A State of Trance 439 [14.01.2010]

2011-06-05T00:04:00.000+05:30

Bookmarking

Nadia Ali - Rapture (Avicii New Generation Mix) Official Video (OUT NOW)

2011-05-22T20:16:00.000+05:30

Jack Sparrow (feat. Michael Bolton)

2011-05-10T07:04:00.000+05:30

The Website is Down #4: Sales Demolition (SFW)

2011-04-21T20:01:00.000+05:30

Trance

2011-04-16T22:21:00.000+05:30

Would I lie to you: "I've once accidently bought a horse"

2011-04-08T08:29:00.000+05:30

I should watch more of these :)

Unreal Engine 3: Under The Hood - Exclusive First Look [720p HD]

2011-04-07T15:44:00.001+05:30

Alice (Disney Remix)

2011-04-02T11:06:00.000+05:30

Pioneer One

2011-03-20T23:14:00.000+05:30

Download the episodes for free from http://vodo.net/pioneerone

I know him

2011-03-12T02:38:00.000+05:30

I know the last four years he spent with me. He was different before
he came here. I don't know in what way he was different, but suffice
to say he was different. There was a part of him that lived with us
for that four years. He was humble. Never intimate. I guess everyone
got one part of him. And as they say sum of all parts are greater than
the whole.

Guitar

2011-03-10T22:49:00.001+05:30

Epic Games' eye-popping demo of new graphics technology

2011-03-09T13:09:00.000+05:30

Tim Sweeney and Co is pushing it

Adrian Hands

2011-02-27T16:04:00.000+05:30

patch COMMITED, bug RESOLVED! They don't know it was coded by a quadrapelegic using morse code from his knee!

https://bugzilla.gnome.org/show_bug.cgi?id=78514#c19

http://twitter.com/AdrianHands/status/31741698904162304

smile

2011-02-22T19:57:00.002+05:30

I really like Emily Blunt's smile. I remember a moment she smiled when she was in the elevator in Sunshine Cleaning. I saw Wild Target recently and she smiles more in that :).
And attaching a song I found through the movie.

Gary Oldman - Sex On Fire

2011-02-21T18:32:00.000+05:30

Radiohead - Lotus Flower

2011-02-18T17:32:00.000+05:30

(Powder Blue) Urban Species - Blanket

2011-02-10T01:59:00.000+05:30

Travelling Light & Aurora

2011-01-19T04:45:00.000+05:30

Distant Activity by Adam Fielding

NLP - How to Control a Girl's Mind

2011-01-10T03:04:00.000+05:30

Bill Zeller's painful suicide note

2011-01-09T03:55:00.000+05:30

I have the urge to declare my sanity and justify my actions, but I
assume I'll never be able to convince anyone that this was the right
decision. Maybe it's true that anyone who does this is insane by
definition, but I can at least explain my reasoning. I considered not 
writing any of this because of how personal it is, but I like tying up
loose ends and don't want people to wonder why I did this. Since I've
never spoken to anyone about what happened to me, people would likely
draw the wrong conclusions.

My first memories as a child are of being raped, repeatedly. This has
affected every aspect of my life. This darkness, which is the only way I
can describe it, has followed me like a fog, but at times intensified
and overwhelmed me, usually triggered by a distinct situation. In
kindergarten I couldn't use the bathroom and would stand petrified
whenever I needed to, which started a trend of awkward and unexplained
social behavior. The damage that was done to my body still prevents me
from using the bathroom normally, but now it's less of a physical 
impediment than a daily reminder of what was done to me.

This darkness followed me as I grew up. I remember spending hours
playing with legos, having my world consist of me and a box of cold,
plastic blocks. Just waiting for everything to end. It's the same thing
I do now, but instead of legos it's surfing the web or reading or
listening to a baseball game. Most of my life has been spent feeling
dead inside, waiting for my body to catch up. 

At times growing up I would feel inconsolable rage, but I never
connected this to what happened until puberty. I was able to keep the
darkness at bay for a few hours at a time by doing things that required
intense concentration, but it would always come back. Programming
appealed to me for this reason. I was never particularly fond of
computers or mathematically inclined, but the temporary peace it would
provide was like a drug. But the darkness always returned and built up 
something like a tolerance, because programming has become less and less
of a refuge.

The darkness is with me nearly every time I wake up. I feel like a grime
is covering me. I feel like I'm trapped in a contimated body that no
amount of washing will clean. Whenever I think about what happened I
feel manic and itchy and can't concentrate on anything else. It
manifests itself in hours of eating or staying up for days at a time or
sleeping for sixteen hours straight or week long programming binges or
constantly going to the gym. I'm exhausted from feeling like this every
hour of every day.

Three to four nights a week I have nightmares about what happened. It
makes me avoid sleep and constantly tired, because sleeping with what
feels like hours of nightmares is not restful. I wake up sweaty and
furious. I'm reminded every morning of what was done to me and the 
control it has over my life. 

I've never been able to stop thinking about what happened to me and this
hampered my social interactions. I would be angry and lost in thought
and then be interrupted by someone saying "Hi" or making small talk,
unable to understand why I seemed cold and distant. I walked around,
viewing the outside world from a distant portal behind my eyes, unable
to perform normal human niceties. I wondered what it would be like to
take to other people without what happened constantly on my mind, and I
wondered if other people had similar experiences that they were better
able to mask. 

Alcohol was also something that let me escape the darkness. It would
always find me later, though, and it was always angry that I managed to 
escape and it made me pay. Many of the irresponsible things I did were
the result of the darkness. Obviously I'm responsible for every decision
and action, including this one, but there are reasons why things happen
the way they do.

Alcohol and other drugs provided a way to ignore the realities of my
situation. It was easy to spend the night drinking and forget that I had
no future to look forward to. I never liked what alcohol did to me, but
it was better than facing my existence honestly. I haven't touched 
alcohol or any other drug in over seven months (and no drugs or alcohol
will be involved when I do this) and this has forced me to evaluate my
life in an honest and clear way. There's no future here. The darkness
will always be with me. 

I used to think if I solved some problem or achieved some goal, maybe he
would leave. It was comforting to identify tangible issues as the source
of my problems instead of something that I'll never be able to change. I 
thought that if I got into to a good college, or a good grad school, or
lost weight, or went to the gym nearly every day for a year, or created
programs that millions of people used, or spent a summer or California
or New York or published papers that I was proud of, then maybe I would
feel some peace and not be constantly haunted and unhappy. But nothing I
did made a dent in how depressed I was on a daily basis and nothing was
in any way fulfilling. I'm not sure why I ever thought that would change
anything.

I didn't realize how deep a hold he had on me and my life until my 
first relationship. I stupidly assumed that no matter how the darkness
affected me personally, my romantic relationships would somehow be 
separated and protected. Growing up I viewed my future relationships as
a possible escape from this thing that haunts me every day, but I began
to realize how entangled it was with every aspect of my life and how it 
is never going to release me. Instead of being an escape, relationships 
and romantic contact with other people only intensified everything about
him that I couldn't stand. I will never be able to have a relationship
in which he is not the focus, affecting every aspect of my romantic
interactions. 

Relationships always started out fine and I'd be able to ignore him for
a few weeks. But as we got closer emotionally the darkness would return
and every night it'd be me, her and the darkness in a black and gruesome
threesome. He would surround me and penetrate me and the more we did the
more intense it became. It made me hate being touched, because as long
as we were separated I could view her like an outsider viewing something
good and kind and untainted. Once we touched, the darkness would
envelope her too and take her over and the evil inside me would surround
her. I always felt like I was infecting anyone I was with.

Relationships didn't work. No one I dated was the right match, and I
thought that maybe if I found the right person it would overwhelm him.
Part of me knew that finding the right person wouldn't help, so I became
interested in girls who obviously had no interest in me. For a while I
thought I was gay. I convinced myself that it wasn't the darkness at
all, but rather my orientation, because this would give me control over
why things didn't feel "right". The fact that the darkness affected
sexual matters most intensely made this idea make some sense and I
convinced myself of this for a number of years, starting in college
after my first relationship ended. I told people I was gay (at Trinity,
not at Princeton), even though I wasn't attracted to men and kept
finding myself interested in girls. Because if being gay wasn't the
answer, then what was? People thought I was avoiding my orientation, but 
I was actually avoiding the truth, which is that while I'm straight, I 
will never be content with anyone. I know now that the darkness will
never leave.

Last spring I met someone who was unlike anyone else I'd ever met. 
Someone who showed me just how well two people could get along and how
much I could care about another human being. Someone I know I could be
with and love for the rest of my life, if I weren't so fucked up.
Amazingly, she liked me. She liked the shell of the man the darkness had
left behind. But it didn't matter because I couldn't be alone with her.
It was never just the two of us, it was always the three of us: her, me
and the darkness. The closer we got, the more intensely I'd feel the
darkness, like some evil mirror of my emotions. All the closeness we had
and I loved was complemented by agony that I couldn't stand, from him. I
realized that I would never be able to give her, or anyone, all of me or
only me. She could never have me without the darkness and evil inside
me. I could never have just her, without the darkness being a part of
all of our interactions. I will never be able to be at peace or content
or in a healthy relationship. I realized the futility of the romantic
part of my life. If I had never met her, I would have realized this as
soon as I met someone else who I meshed similarly well with. It's likely
that things wouldn't have worked out with her and we would have broken
up (with our relationship ending, like the majority of relationships do)
even if I didn't have this problem, since we only dated for a short
time. But I will face exactly the same problems with the darkness with
anyone else. Despite my hopes, love and compatability is not enough.
Nothing is enough. There's no way I can fix this or even push the
darkness down far enough to make a relationship or any type of intimacy
feasible.

So I watched as things fell apart between us. I had put an explicit time
limit on our relationship, since I knew it couldn't last because of the
darkness and didn't want to hold her back, and this caused a variety of
problems. She was put in an unnatural situation that she never should
have been a part of. It must have been very hard for her, not knowing
what was actually going on with me, but this is not something I've ever
been able to talk about with anyone. Losing her was very hard for me as
well. Not because of her (I got over our relationship relatively
quickly), but because of the realization that I would never have another
relationship and because it signified the last true, exclusive personal
connection I could ever have. This wasn't apparent to other people,
because I could never talk about the real reasons for my sadness. I was
very sad in the summer and fall, but it was not because of her, it was
because I will never escape the darkness with anyone. She was so loving
and kind to me and gave me everything I could have asked for under the
circumstances. I'll never forget how much happiness she brought me in
those briefs moments when I could ignore the darkness. I had originally
planned to kill myself last winter but never got around to it. (Parts of
this letter were written over a year ago, other parts days before doing
this.) It was wrong of me to involve myself in her life if this were a
possibility and I should have just left her alone, even though we only
dated for a few months and things ended a long time ago. She's just one
more person in a long list of people I've hurt.

I could spend pages talking about the other relationships I've had that
were ruined because of my problems and my confusion related to the 
darkness. I've hurt so many great people because of who I am and my
inability to experience what needs to be experienced. All I can say is
that I tried to be honest with people about what I thought was true.

I've spent my life hurting people. Today will be the last time.

I've told different people a lot of things, but I've never told anyone
about what happened to me, ever, for obvious reasons. It took me a while
to realize that no matter how close you are to someone or how much they
claim to love you, people simply cannot keep secrets. I learned this a
few years ago when I thought I was gay and told people. The more harmful
the secret, the juicier the gossip and the more likely you are to be
betrayed. People don't care about their word or what they've promised,
they just do whatever the fuck they want and justify it later. It feels
incredibly lonely to realize you can never share something with someone
and have it be between just the two of you. I don't blame anyone in
particular, I guess it's just how people are. Even if I felt like this
is something I could have shared, I have no interest in being part of a
friendship or relationship where the other person views me as the
damaged and contaminated person that I am. So even if I were able to
trust someone, I probably would not have told them about what happened
to me. At this point I simply don't care who knows.

I feel an evil inside me. An evil that makes me want to end life. I need
to stop this. I need to make sure I don't kill someone, which is not
something that can be easily undone. I don't know if this is related to
what happened to me or something different. I recognize the irony of
killing myself to prevent myself from killing someone else, but this
decision should indicate what I'm capable of. 

So I've realized I will never escape the darkness or misery associated
with it and I have a responsibility to stop myself from physically
harming others. 

I'm just a broken, miserable shell of a human being. Being molested has
defined me as a person and shaped me as a human being and it has made me
the monster I am and there's nothing I can do to escape it. I don't know
any other existence. I don't know what life feels like where I'm apart
from any of this. I actively despise the person I am. I just feel
fundamentally broken, almost non-human. I feel like an animal that woke
up one day in a human body, trying to make sense of a foreign world,
living among creatures it doesn't understand and can't connect with.

I have accepted that the darkness will never allow me to be in a
relationship. I will never go to sleep with someone in my arms, feeling
the comfort of their hands around me. I will never know what
uncontimated intimacy is like. I will never have an exclusive bond with
someone, someone who can be the recipient of all the love I have to
give. I will never have children, and I wanted to be a father so badly.
I think I would have made a good dad. And even if I had fought through
the darkness and married and had children all while being unable to feel
intimacy, I could have never done that if suicide were a possibility. I
did try to minimize pain, although I know that this decision will hurt
many of you. If this hurts you, I hope that you can at least forget
about me quickly. 

There's no point in identifying who molested me, so I'm just going to
leave it at that. I doubt the word of a dead guy with no evidence about
something that happened over twenty years ago would have much sway.

You may wonder why I didn't just talk to a professional about this. I've
seen a number of doctors since I was a teenager to talk about other
issues and I'm positive that another doctor would not have helped. I was
never given one piece of actionable advice, ever. More than a few spent
a large part of the session reading their notes to remember who I was.
And I have no interest in talking about being raped as a child, both
because I know it wouldn't help and because I have no confidence it
would remain secret. I know the legal and practical limits of
doctor/patient confidentiality, growing up in a house where we'd hear
stories about the various mental illnesses of famous people, stories
that were passed down through generations. All it takes is one doctor
who thinks my story is interesting enough to share or a doctor who
thinks it's her right or responsibility to contact the authorities and
have me identify the molestor (justifying her decision by telling
herself that someone else might be in danger). All it takes is a single
doctor who violates my trust, just like the "friends" who I told I was
gay did, and everything would be made public and I'd be forced to live
in a world where people would know how fucked up I am. And yes, I
realize this indicates that I have severe trust issues, but they're
based on a large number of experiences with people who have shown a
profound disrepect for their word and the privacy of others.

People say suicide is selfish. I think it's selfish to ask people to
continue living painful and miserable lives, just so you possibly won't
feel sad for a week or two. Suicide may be a permanent solution to a 
temporary problem, but it's also a permanent solution to a ~23 year-old
problem that grows more intense and overwhelming every day.

Some people are just dealt bad hands in this life. I know many people
have it worse than I do, and maybe I'm just not a strong person, but I
really did try to deal with this. I've tried to deal with this every day
for the last 23 years and I just can't fucking take it anymore. 

I often wonder what life must be like for other people. People who 
can feel the love from others and give it back unadulterated, people who
can experience sex as an intimate and joyous experience, people who can
experience the colors and happenings of this world without constant
misery. I wonder who I'd be if things had been different or if I were a
stronger person. It sounds pretty great. 

I'm prepared for death. I'm prepared for the pain and I am ready to no 
longer exist. Thanks to the strictness of New Jersey gun laws this will
probably be much more painful than it needs to be, but what can you do.
My only fear at this point is messing something up and surviving. 

---

I'd also like to address my family, if you can call them that. I despise
everything they stand for and I truly hate them, in a non-emotional,
dispassionate and what I believe is a healthy way. The world will be a
better place when they're dead--one with less hatred and intolerance.

If you're unfamiliar with the situation, my parents are fundamentalist 
Christians who kicked me out of their house and cut me off financially
when I was 19 because I refused to attend seven hours of church a week.

They live in a black and white reality they've constructed for
themselves. They partition the world into good and evil and survive 
by hating everything they fear or misunderstand and calling it love.
They don't understand that good and decent people exist all around us, 
"saved" or not, and that evil and cruel people occupy a large percentage
of their church. They take advantage of people looking for hope by
teaching them to practice the same hatred they practice.

A random example:

"I am personally convinced that if a Muslim truly believes and obeys the
Koran, he will be a terrorist." - George Zeller, August 24, 2010.

If you choose to follow a religion where, for example, devout Catholics
who are trying to be good people are all going to Hell but child
molestors go to Heaven (as long as they were "saved" at some point),
that's your choice, but it's fucked up. Maybe a God who operates by
those rules does exist. If so, fuck Him.

Their church was always more important than the members of their family
and they happily sacrificed whatever necessary in order to satisfy 
their contrived beliefs about who they should be.

I grew up in a house where love was proxied through a God I could never
believe in. A house where the love of music with any sort of a beat was
literally beaten out of me. A house full of hatred and intolerance, run
by two people who were experts at appearing kind and warm when others
were around. Parents who tell an eight year old that his grandmother is
going to Hell because she's Catholic. Parents who claim not to be racist
but then talk about the horrors of miscegenation. I could list hundreds
of other examples, but it's tiring. 

Since being kicked out, I've interacted with them in relatively normal
ways. I talk to them on the phone like nothing happened. I'm not sure
why. Maybe because I like pretending I have a family. Maybe I like
having people I can talk to about what's been going on in my life. 
Whatever the reason, it's not real and it feels like a sham. I should
have never allowed this reconnection to happen. 

I wrote the above a while ago, and I do feel like that much of the time.
At other times, though, I feel less hateful. I know my parents honestly
believe the crap they believe in. I know that my mom, at least, loved me
very much and tried her best. One reason I put this off for so long is
because I know how much pain it will cause her. She has been sad since
she found out I wasn't "saved", since she believes I'm going to Hell,
which is not a sadness for which I am responsible. That was never going
to change, and presumably she believes the state of my physical body is
much less important than the state of my soul. Still, I cannot
intellectually justify this decision, knowing how much it will hurt her.
Maybe my ability to take my own life, knowing how much pain it will
cause, shows that I am a monster who doesn't deserve to live. All I know
is that I can't deal with this pain any longer and I'm am truly sorry I
couldn't wait until my family and everyone I knew died so this could be
done without hurting anyone. For years I've wished that I'd be hit by a 
bus or die while saving a baby from drowning so my death might be more
acceptable, but I was never so lucky.
 
---

To those of you who have shown me love, thank you for putting up with 
all my shittiness and moodiness and arbitrariness. I was never the
person I wanted to be. Maybe without the darkness I would have been a
better person, maybe not. I did try to be a good person, but I realize I
never got very far.

I'm sorry for the pain this causes. I really do wish I had another
option. I hope this letter explains why I needed to do this. If you
can't understand this decision, I hope you can at least forgive me.

Bill Zeller

---

Please save this letter and repost it if gets deleted. I don't want
people to wonder why I did this. I disseminated it more widely than I
might have otherwise because I'm worried that my family might try to
restrict access to it. I don't mind if this letter is made public. In
fact, I'd prefer it be made public to people being unable to read it and
drawing their own conclusions. 

Feel free to republish this letter, but only if it is reproduced in its 
entirety.

http://documents.from.bz/note.txt

answers

2011-01-03T00:11:00.000+05:30

Blade Runner by Vangelis

2010-12-23T15:14:00.000+05:30

Some of these sounds strongly remind me of an afternoon. How much different it will be for everyone else.

Weird Fishes

2010-12-14T12:03:00.000+05:30

Go Simon go go go

2010-12-10T11:28:00.000+05:30

Authors@Google: Garry Kasparov

2010-12-09T23:54:00.000+05:30

A friend to remember

2010-06-26T23:49:00.006+05:30

When I was young, very young, I had a great friend. I wish I was as great a friend to him as he was to me. When I was in LKG, during interval I used to sit alone in the entire class. Teachers used to tease me and I used to be quiet. He once grabbed me and rescued me out of it. In one of the later years I remember a painting class where I forgot the brushes and paints. The teacher told me to go out of the class. He said to teacher that he'll give his things to me and whether he can go out of class instead. Of course teacher said no.
I lost him over some wrong things in later years. Wonder where he is. I feel stupid and sad to have lost him.

The Truth

2010-04-03T23:33:00.002+05:30

We all are going to die.

To some death is not the end. Those some believe in God, Religion.

In the end when we die, is it justifiable that we lived our life obeying somebody else?

If that question seems to be cool, wtf is meant by justifiable?

But you left me in the rain

2009-12-28T14:34:00.000+05:30

double standards

2009-07-19T02:13:00.001+05:30

Today i received a mail from popfly saying that they are shutting down. I found it sad. Some of the developers ambitions died. Many of us loathe Microsoft. I mostly favor anything from the free software foundation world. Sadly there are people behind these big corporations. My conscience always tells me that nobody is better than anyone else and i keep ignoring that.

Course of things

2009-06-27T22:42:00.002+05:30

I watch movies and i get inspirations. I don't even think about it many times.
I was watching a rerun of Bourne Identity and Jason Bourne says while in a restaurant that at this altitude i can run half a mile before i start shaking. I remember the first time i saw it and was thinking that i can't run more than 100ms before i start panting. I know this for sure because i have done twice before and failed in front of people. Now i can run 10kms and more without much problem. I remember watching Baazigar and one of the main things i remember in it is where Shah Rukh Khan is typing a letter. I now remember that he was not typing it proper, but when i saw it i couldn't know. I was so involved in the character that i wondered how he could get time to learn typing while he was preparing for his revenge all those years. I was so inspired by it that i went and learned typing for few months.
Now i get a chuckle out of all these as i wonder about what my life is.

science

2009-05-13T00:46:00.000+05:30

Nothing is so dangerous to the progress of the human mind than to assume our views of science are ultimate, that there no mysteries in nature, that our triumphs are complete and that there are no new worlds to conquer

2009-04-16T21:24:00.001+05:30

John Carmack gets a Tesla Roadster. Look for the section Tesla.

I do also confess to enjoying the irony of my driving an electric car. I am fairly hostile to most of the environmental movement, finding it generally a modern tribal religion that justifies condemnation and control of others in the name of protecting the environment. I care nothing at all for the environment in isolation, only for how it positively impacts human life -- civilization is all about beating the environment into forms that suit us better

Some good movies

2009-04-15T20:28:00.005+05:30

I am a Daniel Craig fan. I saw him first in Road to Perdition. He had an ugly role in that and i hated that guy. When i knew that he was going to star as James Bond, i was disgusted. Then Casino Royale released, at an apt time in my life. I was wearied of work for two months and needed a break. It was such a powerful movie. I must say that the inspiration for me to going to gym came from Daniel Craig. I had decided few months before Quantum of Solace release that i'll build a good body. Alas it never came true.
Recently i got a really good print of Casino Royale (a Blue Ray). I started searching for his movies and i came across Layer Cake. I instantly fell in love with the movie. I watched it again and again. I searched again and found Enduring Love. I didn't like the story much but loved the beauty of the movie (i usually fall in love with movies which are good to look at, like colors, landscape, good food..). Then yesterday i got Flashbacks of a Fool. It is just brilliant. Very nostalgic. I am really loving this ride of movies. Do you have any suggestions of a Daniel Craig movie?

asl?

2009-04-09T01:39:00.001+05:30

for those who came in late omegle.com

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

2009-04-06T22:26:00.002+05:30

I saw the movie The Unbearable Lightness of Being . The novel was suggested by Kripa when i was in confusion regarding quitting my high paying job.
From the beginning i can remember, i was driven by emotion and logic. I would always wish that i weigh those two more than anything when I'm making a decision. Many times I've despised the lack of logic in the life of people around me which they just make sure that they lived by the standards of the society nearby.
In the long run, i believe most of these doesn't matter anyway considering my understanding of life as nothing but something that happened in the probability of many things in this universe, which by the way is where my brain stops.

Dreams

2009-03-21T00:59:00.002+05:30

Yesterday i slept hoping to see a good dream.. i woke up and had a bad experience.. i slept again.. i had one of my worst dreams of my life.

Winged Creatures

2009-03-18T00:56:00.003+05:30

Saw Winged Creatures. Liked it. Had a familiar feel of Little Miss Sunshine even though there's nothing similar in the storyline. It's been almost two years since i saw the latter.

Boy

2009-03-13T23:17:00.000+05:30

breadspread

2009-03-12T00:10:00.003+05:30

why is twitter so sweet?.. because it's so easy to type

coming back to the breadspread of my choice.. nutella and skippy crunchy

Organezized

2009-03-03T00:36:00.002+05:30

Seriously i need to :)
It's now two weeks after i've started working from home. Food, Gym and Work has been erratic in this duration. Sometimes i eat less, sometimes too much. I think i've been overdoing Gym whenever i went there. Work, i've been able to do more at night than day.
Now i need to start a schedule on things.

The Age

2009-01-13T23:45:00.002+05:30

I was watching a rerun of Apocalypto yesterday. There was a scene of a solar eclipse. I then realized that how much information our generation has got. At that time there was probably no other explanation of a solar eclipse other than a higher being. Now we have the technology to understand what exactly it is.
A few hundred years later, the generation would have much more information and they would look down upon us the same way we (yes we do) look down on our older generations.

In another note i see some people who have been nice no matter how harsh you behave to them. I wonder why i'm jealous and angry about that.

blast from the past

2009-01-02T01:29:00.000+05:30

I used to listen to this video a lot a year back

The week

2008-12-12T23:03:00.002+05:30

The eventful week has finally come to an end. I've learned a lot in this week. Many of my friends opened up with me and it was touching. If there's any comment i want to give, it's that people are not what you perceive them to be. Most of them have gone through many experiences as much as you or more than you.

Rainbow

2008-12-03T13:56:00.000+05:30

Your rainbow is slightly shaded white.

What is says about you: You are a contemplative person. You appreciate quiet moments. People depend on you to make them feel secure.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.

Training

2008-09-10T19:17:00.000+05:30

I am Addicted

2008-08-29T21:57:00.002+05:30

I am addicted
I've collected footsteps before dawn
seen places I never knew existed
run to the moon and back
I'm a rabbit for the neighbourhood dogs
obey the voice in my head
let the music carry me when I couldn't
raced against yesterday
let the world be my witness
measured myself in metres, kilometers
and finally in character
I've plugged into a higher purpose
left this world and come back changed

incoherent

2008-07-31T02:09:00.002+05:30

People experience different things. I see some of my friends clouded and enjoying love and i see some suffering and broke from love. These people don't experience the same thing. I wish i shared joy as much as i empathized.
My friend said crystal meth makes your face disfigured, but then i said that's not the reason why they take it.. to be clear i'm quoting from trainspotting "take the best orgasm you've ever had and multiply it with a 1000 and still you are noway near it" about heroin. When people who wants to live the typical society life hear this, they frown. Not a fault, fact everyone strives to live such life, though some people can't. Some people might take harmful (i no longer know what i really mean by harmful) things thinking that it somehow will not affect them. Some people would have given up everything in life so that it doesn't matter to them anymore (like Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas). I wish i had a point to be made.

and now for the ordinary
You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that... but you have no right to judge me - Apocalypse Now

Randall Munroe at Google :) !

2008-05-27T22:22:00.001+05:30

rise up

2008-05-16T23:20:00.000+05:30

sweetest girl

2008-05-08T15:03:00.000+05:30

Hans Reiser convicted

2008-04-29T16:29:00.001+05:30

Read it here.
Sometime back i had written about him.

new blog

2008-04-29T00:12:00.000+05:30

I've decided to blog more about programming. It's over here

One man's junk is another man's treasure

2008-04-11T01:49:00.002+05:30

My friend interviewed with google and got through it. But she was unwilling to join google. She had another interesting offer. For me google was like heaven at that time. I pointed her Benji Smith's interview with google. A must read. Today thinking about something, suddenly i realized that one man's junk is another man's treasure.
There are tons of things that i consider treasure in my life, but from your point of view they are all junk .. and similarly i consider many things junk which you consider treasure

Sick

2008-03-30T23:03:00.001+05:30

It's been close to four years that Java 5 has come and i still don't have the liberty to program in it at work!

Crayon Physics

2008-03-21T17:42:00.001+05:30

Check out this game .. there is a prototype available freely

Get Inspired

2008-02-15T19:27:00.000+05:30

T42 down

2008-02-15T11:39:00.004+05:30

My trusted office laptop went down yesterday. I can say surely that it's the best system i ever used. It's almost 3 years old (or more). They must've paid a lot to get 2GB RAM at that time. I never shut it down, it will be downloading or running a J2EE server or running vmware all the time. Sad.. hope it's a small problem.

update:

I wrongly doubted T42 :( .. The IT guy comes, takes out the battery, blows some dust off of it and voila! it starts working.
I had removed battery, cleaned RAM, you name it ... but then

PicLens

2008-02-11T10:23:00.000+05:30

Browse images like never before. Install PicLens

Scars will remain

2008-01-29T22:35:00.000+05:30

I used to love science when i was in high school. I believe i started thinking properly from 8th standard onwards. I had varying interests as each year passed by. From physics to chemistry to maths.

I looked at my face and found a scar today. It happened because of an accident. I had a library next to my house. I took a membership there when i was in 8th. Initially i used to read all the detective novels ranging from Sherlock Holmes to local ones. Then i started taking some electronics books. There were books on how you could repair radio, about chemical experiments etc. I made a small collection of electronics items courtesy of some of my relatives. I bought a soldering iron, some coils etc. I badly wanted to make a crystal radio. The idea of running radio without battery fascinated me. I didn't have much money that time so i had to settle on a low quality soldering iron. Its wire was plastic and was not cloth wrapped. One day while soldering, i accidentally placed it on the wire. It melted and i took it in hand without knowing it and got an electric shock. The iron fell over my face and my throat. It was horrible. Walking around school with a bandage around the neck was embarrassing.
The scar remains.

Blade Runner

2008-01-27T18:00:00.000+05:30

After four years i watched this movie again and i savored every bit of it .. It will always stay in my memory

deteriorating life

2008-01-23T23:13:00.000+05:30

deteriorating life, life of everyone around me
finding peace in programming, what do they have?

explanation

2008-01-02T09:08:00.000+05:30

wtf?

By the way something is going wrong with the universe .. first my ipod charger throws up, then my ipod started making weird noises.. and now i have lost all my music after pluggin my ipod in my friend's machine. crap

import this

2007-12-26T19:35:00.000+05:30

The Zen of Python, by Tim Peters

Beautiful is better than ugly.
Explicit is better than implicit.
Simple is better than complex.
Complex is better than complicated.
Flat is better than nested.
Sparse is better than dense.
Readability counts.
Special cases aren't special enough to break the rules.
Although practicality beats purity.
Errors should never pass silently.
Unless explicitly silenced.
In the face of ambiguity, refuse the temptation to guess.
There should be one-- and preferably only one --obvious way to do it.
Although that way may not be obvious at first unless you're Dutch.
Now is better than never.
Although never is often better than *right* now.
If the implementation is hard to explain, it's a bad idea.
If the implementation is easy to explain, it may be a good idea.
Namespaces are one honking great idea -- let's do more of those!

Lovely December

2007-12-12T22:19:00.000+05:30

I miss my dog. I don't know what state he is in now. Hope he is well. I loved him. When i used to hug him he used to make affectionate noises. The first time when he was brought to me in a bag, i marvelled at his existence. There was a creature which can think. He stared at me straight in my eye for minutes. He was shivering, more from fright than cold, even though it was a cold December. It was exactly two years before. There is something magical about Decembers for me. It was fun always. This year i am forgetting and and forgiving myself and just enjoying my existence.

Nelson on facebook

2007-11-24T00:37:00.000+05:30

An interesting bit from Nelson Minar on facebook. The day i signed on facebook, i knew that i will delete it very soon. So far i have only invited only two friends to join on facebook because i thought the feed feature coupled with the movie i watched would be interesting to them. I am sorry for my adrenaline.

Facebook Ads

2007-11-07T18:37:00.000+05:30

So now Facebook is directly competing with Google with its new Social Ads. I like this concept and i wonder what Google will do now.

An interesting quote from Dave Winer

Long-term, however they both have problems because advertising is on its way to being obsolete. Facebook is just another step along the path. Advertising will get more and more targeted until it disappears, because perfectly targeted advertising is just information. And that's good!

Gym

2007-11-05T21:04:00.000+05:30

Finally after one year I'm back to gym again. I ran for 1.5kms on the treadmill and was pretty happy about it. Then the instructor took some 7-8 of us and started doing some ground exercises. The guy almost killed everyone. All i could hear was groans and moans :). It was fun. With the help of this instructor and a paintbrush, i intend to become like SRK.

BTW, if you want real inspiration keep Daniel Craig in your mind while doing exercises (suggested by my ex roommate cum drinking partner)

Programming fonts

2007-11-05T15:51:00.000+05:30

I use windows at work and use Courier New as the font for programming purpose. (It's the default in eclipse, visual studio 2005, idle etc). Now Microsoft has come up with Consolas, a monospace font for programming purpose. A monospace or a fixed width font is one whose characters have same width. Courier New is one such. A monospace font would look ordered and you can draw tables etc easily because all characters are of same size. Try setting your ide's font to Ariel or Verdana (which are not monospace) and see the difference. You won't be able to code in those fonts. One of the fonts which i loved coding was a monospaced font in Gnome Redhat 7.0. I believe the font was BitStream Vera. Anyway Consolas is the new font which i like in windows and it simply is the best. Try it out. Make sure that you have ClearType switched on. Below are some code in 3 different monospace fonts from my system. (blogger screwed the images totally, so better try it out in your system and see the difference).

Courier New

Consolas

BitStream Vera

OpenSocial

2007-11-03T14:02:00.000+05:30

So Google today released the OpenSocial apis. Funny that the google pages look very similar to facebook developer pages. Google is using the atom format for data exchange. It's time to look inside atom.

past

2007-11-02T20:44:00.000+05:30

i ran
i ran with the memories of the past
for the past holds the heaven
and everything else is just nothing
-dog

Battle without honor or humanity

2007-11-02T11:22:00.000+05:30

From XKCD

That track ('Battle Without Honor or Humanity') -- like 'Ride of the Valkyries' -- improves *any* activity.

Within Temptation

2007-10-31T09:56:00.000+05:30

I've been listening to Within Temptation's songs for last two days. Sharon Den Adel's voice feels like Evanescence's and to some extend Dolores O'Riordan's voice.

Here are some of their songs

Angel

Memories

And this is the song that got me introduced to them

somebody point me to more songs like these please :)

Portal

2007-10-15T08:42:00.000+05:30

nice .. now i need brains also

Wish you were here

2007-09-27T10:03:00.000+05:30

Data Visualization

2007-09-26T14:27:00.000+05:30

Some of these sites are downright sexy

Data Visualization: Modern Approaches

substring bites

2007-09-24T12:24:00.000+05:30

Last week i copied some string splitting logic from C# to Java and didn't bother to test much. Today i fired up one of the Duet appointments and typed max value in the location field (256) and it bombed! .. after debugging i found
C# substring is - substring(startIndex, length)
Java substring is - substring(startIndex, endIndex)
crap.. Java's is more like Python's where it's called slice syntax - str[startIndex:endIndex]
but we don't have slice syntax in Java or C# .. and i like C#'s better

random

2007-09-07T08:53:00.000+05:30

Martin Fowler never ceases to amaze me. I was banging my head over timezone issues yesterday and today morning i see this. He gave Microsoft Office the worst timezone experience award. Interestingly i'm working on the exact same thing for one of the scenarios. I do think trying to be clever might ruin user experience. We have 3 major layers (outlook, java server, SAP backend) with each running in 3 different technologies (.Net, Java, ABAP) glued together using XML and proprietary protocols. The nuances of each of these technologies bundled with the bugs in them makes life a living hell.

I saw The number 23 yesterday. Neo ruined the movie unknowingly :) few years back. I'm also finding number 23 at many places. I look at my phone and its extension is 4739. Add it, you will get 23. Phone displays today is 07.09.07 again 23. My birth date is August 15 (15-08) again 23. My cubicle no is 23! Not so creepy anyway :)

QuakeCon 2007

2007-08-13T13:10:00.000+05:30

QuakeCon went by and i didn't even know sigh :(
Id announced their new game Rage. It runs on Mac, PC, XBox 360 and PS3 from the same source base. The major technical feature is MegaTexture where artists now don't need to worry about the texture size and they can make surface as detailed as they want without performance hit.
The major announcement for me was that Quake 3 is going to be made a web game. It's called Quake Zero. Anyone will be able to connect to internet, download Quake Zero client(?) and start playing online for free. They will use advertisement business model. Id is now split into two teams and one team is doing this work. The other team is working on Rage.
You can download the keynote from here.

The next best thing after tabs

2007-07-19T12:11:00.001+05:30

http://www.cooliris.com/Site/index.html

Amazing

Will iphone blend?

2007-07-13T12:34:00.000+05:30

Will it blend? is the question

Hans Reiser

2007-06-28T10:35:00.000+05:30

I try to avoid judging people. I do it anyway sometimes, but when i think it in larger context it makes no sense.

Hans Reiser: Once a Linux Visionary, Now Accused of Murder

Neverending white lights

2007-06-24T10:48:00.001+05:30

Use ClearType!!!

2007-06-15T15:49:00.000+05:30

Apple has released safari for windows. So i downloaded and started using it. The first thing which i noticed was the fonts. They were smooth. It brought back memories of Gnome, Microsoft Office 12, Iternet Explorer etc. A little investigation pointed to this post by Joel Spolsky. Next thing i did was enabling ClearType on my XP.

If you are using Windows XP and haven't enabled ClearType, please do it now. The quality of fonts is amazing. You are going to love your coding, reading whatever!

Carmack unveils Id's latest game engine

2007-06-13T12:23:00.000+05:30

Wolves

2007-06-12T16:58:00.000+05:30

http://steve-yegge.blogspot.com/2007/06/that-old-marshmallow-maze-spell.html

lolcats

2007-06-11T14:13:00.000+05:30

I Can Has CheezBurger?

Read the story

and this LOLPython :)

IN MAI datetime GIMME date LIKE DATE

SO IM LIKE FIBBING WIT N OK?
  LOL ITERATE FIBONACCI TERMS LESS THAN N /LOL
  SO GOOD N BIG LIKE EASTERBUNNY
  BTW, FIBONACCI LIKE BUNNIES! LOL
  U BORROW CHEEZBURGER
  U BORROW CHEEZBURGER
  I CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER
  HE CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER
  WHILE I CUTE?
      I AND HE CAN HAZ HE AND I ALONG WITH HE
      IZ HE BIG LIKE N?
          KTHXBYE
      U BORROW HE

IZ __name__ KINDA LIKE "__main__"?
  COMPLAIN "NOW IZ" AND DATE OWN today THING
  IZ BIGNESS ARGZ OK KINDA LIKE 1?
      N CAN HAS 100
  NOPE?
      N CAN HAS NUMBR ARGZ LOOK AT 1!!
  GIMME EACH I IN UR FIBBING WIT N OK?
      VISIBLE I

xkcd also?

2007-05-24T12:02:00.000+05:30

Previously Part1, Part2, Part3

Dreams

2007-05-24T01:14:00.000+05:30

There are dreams. Some for which you would stake your life. Some achievable. Some worth. Some impossible. Some you wish had happened. Some you wish would never happen.
Do i have an advice? maybe no. maybe..

Well, the past is gone, I know that. The future isn't here yet, whatever it's going to be. So, all there is, is this. The present. That's it.

Mental Frames

2007-05-23T14:56:00.000+05:30

Paul Buchheit writes...

For example, if you are interested in startups, but work in a big company, you are in danger. If you stay there too long, you will be drawn into the big company frame shared by the other "lifers". Startups will all seem too risky, frivolous, or impractical, and you'll spend the rest of your life in that big company (and posting bitter comments on TechCrunch).

Sigh.

Patents

2007-05-16T08:17:00.000+05:30

Mark Pilgrim on patents...

The patent was original, it was innovative, and it was still shameful.

It’s hard to live up to your principles. If it were easy, your principles probably aren’t worth a damn anyway.

Days go on and on. They don't end...

2007-05-14T09:58:00.000+05:30

Saw Taxi Driver this weekend. Twice. And as if that was not enough, it came in TV at night. Coincidence? I've been wanting to watch this movie for quite some time .. make that some years. I guess i saw some pics of this movie when i was in school. Right time to watch the right movie. The music haunts me ..